I am working my way through it
I did not see it coming, but in retrospect, there were signs. There were nights of cold sweats, nightmares, waking up to my heart beating rapidly and hurriedly turning on my stomach to breathe.
I was finally doing better and had landed the project that I wanted. By the time I had to leave for the launch, I could barely feel my face and had to rely on a sleeping pill. The event in itself happened to me. I might as well have been a ghost passing through it. All in all, given COVID and everything else, it was a success.
Fast forward day after the two events, and I am sitting alone on a stairway, body frozen, gasping for breath, unstoppable crying, and it feels like someone is twisting my heart out.
It’s been six days, and as I write this, I feel a pain in my head, shoulders, and chest. It’s not been easy. I feel a sense of hopelessness, and I’m wondering if I even want to feel better. I am sad, tired and scared, and on meds.
Week 2
I push myself to sleep because I can’t keep my mind from racing. Some nights I slip out of cold sweats and a racing heart, flip onto my stomach and wait for it to pass. Every morning is the same dread. I wake up, my heart is bounding, as usual, there’s a pain in my chest, and if I keep laying in bed, the thoughts won’t stop. It has been going on for a week. I wake up, and I wonder how things are the same. How is it not different after all the effort I put in? Dread, It’s the fucking same.
Week 3
I feel done with the thoughts. So after a week of staying in with them, I’ve been pushing my pounding heart out of bed. I wake the fuck up, throw myself out of bed, and start watering the plants. Every day I try to connect to the activity. It feels like nothing. But, I hope that one day this watering process starts to feel good. Maybe the plants will grow some leaves, and it will make me feel like shifts are happening. I have managed to order a few things for myself. Apart from the ice cream that I have ordered on repeat, I have a book called How to heal your life by Louise Hay. I have been reading the book sporadically and been driven to a lot of tears. The pain in my chest is better has begun to subside. I have cooked thrice. I have also been experimenting with watercolors. I am halfway through the book. Oh! I have also exercised. It is not much, but I do not feel like pushing my body any further than this.
Week 4
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